Christmas gift guide // What to get for the girl who’s not yet a woman (I feel you Britney)

Christmas gift guide

I’ve never really adhered to the maxim that ‘to give is better than receive’ but maybe that’s because I’m a selfish prick.

Being an altruistic giver might unleash a emotional boner in SOME people but nothing really beats tearing through overpriced gift-wrap to reveal the £££ present you’ve been salivating over for the last eight months, does it?

That is unless you recklessly leave your present buying decisions in the hands of your clueless friends and family.

Do you really want to spend another year feigning enthusiasm over a bath bomb set from Lush? I DON’T EVEN OWN A BATH, NAN, YOU INSENSITIVE JERK.

Obviously the only way to combat this is to print, laminate and distribute a wishlist to your nearest and dearest and never be disappointed again.

To those thinking of buying me a present (and after that display of charitable Christmas gumption, who wouldn’t?), you’d better get me one of the following, you bastards…

1. Sovereign ring

As a kid, wearing a sovereign ring meant there was a high chance you were a.) from a long line of aristocrats with several Roman numericals after your name, or b.) you’d administered at least three knuckle sandwiches outside Maccy D’s in your time.

Now, like most of my wardrobe, this will be another historical ‘90s artefact that will provide yet more evidence that I’ve failed to move on and grow up as a human being. Weeey!

2. Saucepans

Conversely when crockery/kitchenware creep onto your Christmas gift list, it’s a cruel reminder that domesticity has taken the place of fun.

Look guys, I don’t want to bang on about it but can someone quietly slip me some Tefal pans and cut my chances of food poisoning to approx zero?

3. Drake

Money can’t buy you love but it wouldn’t hurt if my family pooled together and paid for me to spend one night with the master of emo-rap.

When I say ‘spend the night’, I’m not so much thinking of using Aubrey’s heavenly 6ft body for an all-night love making session. Me and Drizzy would spend our time necking Ceroc out the bottle, Facebook stalking our exes, and crying a river of thug tearz. ‘Cos that’s how I get my kicks.

4. Light therapy lamp

There used to be someone at work who had one of these lamps on his desk. Most of us would quietly mock him as he sat in a windowless corner with an 80 wattage lamp beaming up at his face.

Well look who’s in the joyless, windowless corner now? Yep, karma’s a bitch but could she at least deliver me an endorphin stimulating lightbox to get through the remaining winter months…?