So, I’m a little bit late on the ol’ X Factor live show roundup this week, but I do have a good reason, honest.
Basically, I was all ready and waiting to start writing about this week’s hi-jinks during Sunday evening’s sing-off. Then BORING KYE sang his BORING SURVIVAL SONG and I totally dozed off. In fact, I’ve only just woken up from that slumber of UTTER BOREDOM. How he didn’t get voted off, I’ll never know. (PS – I CORRECTLY predicted he’d be in danger last week, too. Brownie points for me!)
Anyway, it’s time to put all that sleepiness behind me. You’ll no doubt be pleased to know that I’m well awake now, and equally well-caught up on everything that I missed – which means IT’S TIME. FOR ME. TO GIVE YOU. THE X FACTOR LOWDOWN!
MK1 got the boot
… and evidently, have been putting the boot in at every opportunity since they left. According to interviews the pair have given since their less-than-gracious exit, they hate Nicole and Gary and they think Rylan should be a dancer/actor/TV presenter (but they failed to mention singer – burn!).
The best bit of gossip that those little munchkins let out, however, was this: RONSEAL WANKER (aka Maloney the Phoney) is the biggest diva in the competition. I would like to add that he’s also the biggest twat. With the biggest clay-like head. And the biggest expenditure on fake tan.
Tulisa made us miss Kelly Rowland
The second best bit of last year’s entire series (first being Alexandra Burke’s legendary ‘OK.com’ rant, which I still thank the lord for every single day) was Kelly Rowland’s utterly genius line: “who knew you could do uptempo? Owww!’, which, as you may remember, was said in a strange, sort of strangulated ghetto way. If I had to describe it in a single word, I’d say it was shamazing (nope, I’m not letting that one go either).
Anyway, Tulisa decided to bring back Rowland’s X Factor ghost and do her own impression of this tiny part of X Factor history. It wasn’t quite as brilliant, but it was probably the highlight of Saturday night’s 3 hour show. No, really. It was.
Gary Barlow shat all over Steps
Metaphorically speaking, of course.
It went like this: lovely Ella (one of only 2, maybe 3 people in the competition who I believe actually have any proper marketable talent) did some ‘fun’ and ‘quirky’ dance moves to her performance of You Got the Love.
Now, they were a bit ‘Tragedy’-like in the fact that they seemed to be mostly focused around the head area, but honestly – what’s wrong with that? Show me someone who hasn’t merrily danced their heart out in a similar fashion to Steps’ greatest hits after their 11th Smirnoff Ice? I thought there was nothing wrong with Brian Friedman’s H and Claire-inspired choreography. It was retro. And still A LOT better than the styling.
This weekend is going to get spooky
The annual ‘loosely base a song around Halloween because it has the words fire/black/dark in the title, or a slightly haunting melody’ week is back this weekend! Whilst I now might be old enough to prefer the campy approach of Strictly Come Dancing over X Factor’s watered-down attempt (who didn’t LOVE Nancy Dell’Olio rising up out of a coffin last year?) I am mildly excited for the show because I have a few predictions (and I’m getting a bit cocky now after I half got one right)…
- Ella will sing an amazing version of ‘I Put a Spell On You’. Sorry, I wrote that wrong: Ella will sing a SHAMAZING version of ‘I Put a Spell On You’
- A judge will tell a contestant that they were more ‘trick than treat’ or vice versa. It will probably be Louis. YAWN AT YOUR SHIT PUNS, LOUIS
- Jade Ellis will have really nice pink hair and it will make us want to dye our hair pink, too.
- Jahmene will do some ridiculously (and unnecessary) high vocal runs. Again…
- … and I’ll be there to watch it all, so you don’t have to!
See you next week!