Love, life and stuff // The Break Up Part III: New Love

I feel like I have unwittingly become a member of that secret club that people have always told me about and I’ve never believed in.

“you’ll just know when you meet the one”

“you might say that now but you’ll change your mind when you meet the right person”

“I used to say I would never have kids but all that changes…biological clocks…yadda yadda…most fulfilling thing one can do with one’s life…”

Enough already. Hands up those who have heard these diatribes as many times as I have?

Now I’m going to leap over the other side of the fence, the first side in case it wasn’t clear being I never want to get married and I never ever ever want to have children. Categorically.

And then there he was.

Couple kissing

How much would it annoy you if I turned into one of those people and told you; “you just know”. I won’t do that to you comrades, that is to say I won’t actually say it out loud or write it down clear as day. He may be my ‘one’ at least he’s my ‘one’ right now, all that could change , this doesn’t detract from how perfect we are in the now it just fights the theory that there is only one and that one is forever. That’s one pesky ‘myth’ busted now I’m grappling with the others. Does everything else change?

Scientifically monogamy doesn’t suit us as creatures, scientists will tell you in that romantic way they have that marriage isn’t suited to homosapien behaviour.

But then I looked at his face and I wanted to see it again in 30 years. I want to stare into those eyes when his face has disappeared in a mass of wrinkles and creases but those bright eyes that hold everything, all of him, will still be there. Jesus Christ.

He does amazing things to me when I’m with him, I won’t go into details, but it’s what he does to me when he is not with me that stuns me. I stand in the shower and laugh to myself because I think how deliriously happy I am that it has to bubble out in a laugh. I sit on the tube and get graphic flashbacks, graphic, I blush as the man opposite stares at me, I feel like he can see into my X rated mind. I’m the person you hate. If you say “the printer has ran out of paper” I have a story about him and paper that is of no interest to you.

My boss implied I was on drugs last week. Not good. He called, said “I’m outside your building do you have time for a cigarette break?” And there he stood, with flowers obviously as he always brings me flowers, always. And something else. A camera. Because I no longer had one and my blog is my picture diary and he knew that was important, vital to me. I kissed him in front of work where once with others I wouldn’t even hold their hand not within a 2 mile radius for fear of someone from the office seeing me and knowing more about my personal life than I was willing to share. I kissed him unashamedly, uninhibited completely disgustingly. When I popped back up the office 15 minutes later my boss asked me to help her with something, she kept looking at me strangely then enquired to my well being, thought I looked “spaced out” “on another planet” “not with it”.

I don’t care that I’m not on your planet anymore, I am way happier on mine. Go on hate me for it, find it sickening, I won’t hear you anyway because I’m too far away…

Mademoiselle Blow

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