If you know nothing about tennis and only want to watch Wimbledon for one thing and one thing alone, allow me to help you.

Before you start getting a reputation for only ‘having an interest’ when the hottest men play, learn the following phrases by heart and just roll them out now and again during the match:

“That was out, I don’t care what Hawkeye says.”
“The umpire is a complete bell end.”
“His ground strokes are good, but he’s really more of a serve and volley guy.”
“My god, his shorts are tight. I’m really rather enjoying looking at the outline of his penis.”

I must pay homage to 5 gods of Wimbledon, past and present. I have enjoyed, and continue to enjoy watching them play more than I could ever describe.

1. Goran Ivanisevic

: “Chrissy, get over here and marry me!”

The 6 foot 5 (schwing) Croatian from Croatia, funnily enough. Goran won the competition in 2001 after being entered on a wildcard. He was passionate, prone to emotional outbursts, and given the chance I’d %$&# his brains out. What? I said talk, there’s something wrong with my keyboard.

2. Marat Safin

: “Yes Chrissy, I took my shirt off for you.”

Another impossibly tall petulant one. Not that it matters to me (it does).
Never won Wimbledon, but triumphed at both the U.S. and Aussie opens in 2000 and 2005 respectively. I couldn’t give a shit what he won because I just like looking at him, Safin is off the fucking SCALE hot. With a temper that suggests you’d be thrown around a bit. Easy ladies.
(I mean calm yourselves, not suggesting you’re women of loose morals.)

3. Rafael Nadal

: “Do my arms look big in this?”

Imagine those biceps wrapped around you.
It’s been 20 minutes since I typed that sentence…I was *ahem* imagining. He’s won Wimbledon twice, and our hearts a million times over with his sweet Spanish accent and seemingly shy demeanour.
I’m shy too, I played tennis in school, we have so much in common, MARRY ME RAFA.

4. Tommy Haas

: “I’ll hold your head like this as I kiss you.”

Put your hands together for some prime German totty. Putting them together will stop them venturing anywhere else…for now. He looks like that, and he comes from the land of black forest gateaux. It’s almost more than I can take.

5. Fernando Verdasco

: “I admit it. I’m breathtaking.”

Oh. Oh oh oh. Oh. Mmm. Yep. Well hey there Genetics…NICE JOB. God blimey.
He’s a Spanish tennis player. Erm… what’s tennis again? All I can think of at the moment is the many seedy hotel rooms I wouldn’t mind being trapped in with him… learning all about the best serving positions. Is there something in the water in Spain?? Fucking hellfire.

Because I’m not sexist, here’s something for the boys:

: “Later…I’ll show you my ankles.”

Lottie Dodd, 5 time Wimbledon singles champion…and may I say, something of a fucking fox. Oh yeah.

Did you know? – I would have sex with every one of those men. As long as it was within a deep and meaningful relationsh- HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Oh, I slay me.

– Chrissy