Yep, the rumours are true…
It’s another weekly (or in TOWIE’s case, twice-weekly) sarky re-cap of a popular ITV(2) programme that is chav-tastic, unintentionally hilarious AND grips the nation – HOORAY!
Whilst perhaps The Only Way Is Essex doesn’t quite reach the same amount of living rooms as (my beloved) X Factor does, it surely impacts nearly as much, with the cast’s mugs plastered all over the Mail Online and every other gossip site on a more than regular basis.
So, for everyone who cheekily likes to peruse said sites in their lunchbreak, but can’t be arsed to commit to 45 minutes TWICE A WEEK (it’s like going to Zumba or something) to actually work out who Lauren Goodger is and how long she was going out with Mark Wright for (actually, scratch that, even my mum knows that was 10 years), then join Le Blow on an orange-tinged journey through the land of Brentwood, Essex (and surrounding areas), ensuring you’ll be able to keep up with your colleagues around the water cooler. AIR PUNCH!
So, let’s get started discussing the finer details of this week’s opening episode…
Popey got’s the PIPs
Lauren Pope (one of the many cast members who looks sort of like the result of a sexual encounter between a pretty alien and a racehorse – the signature TOWIE look) has unfortunately got the dreaded PIP implants, and doesn’t want an exploding tit, obviously.
Apparently the TOWIE crew are going to film her having her PIP implants out, which is something to look forward to. Also of note is that apparently her nipples are too high so they pop out of bras. Classy.
Joey Essex has a new best friend
And he’s called Diags. Because he has a diagonal mouth. No, me either. Joey is also continuing to pretend he’s interested in Jessica Wright, as is she, so that they can both drag out their airtime.
Producers take note: I would rather watch an entire series of Cara and Billie discussing the finer points of Doggie Yoga, whilst wearing matching outfits, than this emotionless stunt. PS – Yes, the Doggie Yoga scene really happened. The dogs wore matching bindis and everything. I couldn’t make that shit up.
Lydia and Arg have split
The thing with TOWIE is that key cast members leave every series, so inevitably the remaining cast members get bumped up into the slots they have left behind. Lydia and Arg appear to be filling the role of on/off couple with the departure of Mark Wright (although I bet you a tenner Lauren Goodger will manage to shoehorn in at least 1.5 thinly veiled references to Mark in each episode). I feel sorry for Lydia crying her eyes out over Arg, but from her little rants I can’t for the life of me work out what exactly caused them to break up in the first place.
Luckily both of them have the legendary Debbie on hand to comfort them with her brilliant pearls of wisdom, and, of course, mess up the entire situation. I’m telling you now people – Debbie is the star of this show, and she knows it. Prepare for her to leave after this series to star in her own Channel Five show, “Solving Dilemmas with Debbie off TOWIE”. Sort of like the new Trisha, but with frizzier hair.
There’s a new girl in town
Her name is Georgina, and in the nicest possible way, she’s like a bloke. That Lauren Pope is just so complimentary.
Lucy moults like a dog
Which is apparently just the hazard of dating a girl who has hair extensions. I dread to think what it’s like to wake up next to a TOWIE girl – more shedding than Chewbacca, Ronseal-stained sheets and eyelashes fallen into a Hitler-style moustache formation. Lucy’s revelation, however, that the best revenge on a man that leaves the toilet seat up is to initiate a spoon-style cuddle and subsequently fart on their penis, perhaps highlights the fact that she bears more resemblence to a skunk than any other animal.
Message to Lucy – whilst I admire your efforts to stand up to your stuck-in-the-fifties, egotistical and chauvinistic other-half Mario, I suggest you try a tactic that doesn’t involve bowel movements. It could all end in tears. Or shits.