We’ve come to the end of the (Kings) Road // Things we learned from Made in Chelsea, Series 3

Deal with it darls – season 3 of the poshest show on TV has finished. And alas, quicker than Ollie decides whether to be gay, straight or bi – or simply concentrate on his barnet.


So for now, and until we see the gang pop up at Ascot, or hanging out with Snow Patrol in the VIP area of V Festival (mmm, edgy!), all that’s left is to lay flowers outside some kind of shrine on the King’s Road… By Francis’ skateboard park? Outside Jamie‘s Candy Kitten shop? How about near Cheska’s anger management sessions?

Until then, throw on your pashmina, bloody well down that Champers and contemplate all that we learned from those Sloane Ranger scamps whilst we still have the prospect of the end of season party to cancel all our Monday night plans for…

Made_in_ChelseaWhen in doubt, go all out

So you know those times when you’re down in the dumps and you buy an expensive (read: £6.99 and up) bottle of vino on, oh a Tuesday night? We’ve all been there, babes. Perhaps you ‘splash out’ on that Zara dress you’ve been eyeing up? God damn, you might go to Hackney’s infamous Dolphin until 4 in the morning and buy you and your mates A ROUND OF SAMBUCAS. Twice. But if the odds are against you in Chelsea, you do what any normal Westy would do.

You eff off to a private mansion in Italy or you might just host your own party as though you’re on MTV’s My Sweet 16 (for the second time…) just because you – and your daddy – can.

When money is no object you needn’t rely on a tub of Haagen Daaz and a couple of Boots’ face masks to pull you through. Because you’re probably the heir to the Boots (or McVities (Jamie) or Quality Street (Millie)) fortune, after all…

Caggie Dunlop Made in Chelsea

One can just, like, totes disappear

Remember Caggie? Of course you do. Pretty major character in series 1 and 2. Rocked up in Series 3 and then… promptly disappeared as quickly as her feelings for Spencer. Same for Richard’s loose cannon (read: potentially mental) receptionist Gemma.

And where were Hugo and girlfriend Natalie in the final episodes? I guess the cast  assumed they had just ‘gone off to find themselves in Thailand…’ rather than contemplating they might instead want the police to intervene to actually find their still-warm bodies. I mean, most likely ordering another magnum of champers in Bijou or hunting down the latest Tatler-endorsed frock in Whistles but STILL…

You may be able to write text books on etiquette… but just rip up that rule book

Double air kiss? Check! Confirmed that you went to boarding school with their brother? Check! Dated their housemate at Oxbridge? Double check!

But hang on… You, you downright brazen hussy Louise, shagged Jamie’s best mate Spencer whilst still dating Jamie? Well obviously JAMIE is in the wrong!

Yes, this is the twisted logic of Sloane Square.


Do you think when MacDonalds opened on the King’s Road it tipped everyone into insanity? Read, Spencer to best friend Jamie, ‘I love and respect you enormously’ [which is why I shagged your bird behind your back]. See Louise, to her ex Jamie, after shagging Spencer, ‘I hate you… for making things awkward’.

Were these poor unfortunate souls hit too hard on the head during Lacrosse? Did that extra helping of Latin at school make them slightly deranged? Did they contract heat stroke on all those long holidays to Dubai…? Maybe being banned from watching Hollyoaks during those tender teenage years for being ‘too common’ skewed their moral compass.  Cripes!

Millie Makintosh and Professor Green

You can be posh as K-Midz, but you can still nab rap stars from ‘the ends’

Yes, perhaps I misread that issue of Heat Magazine but… Millie Mackintosh and Professor Green. They‘re dating. It‘s official. And hand on my heart, these qualms are not a class ting [sic]. They’re a WHAT THE EFF DO YOU TALK ABOUT THING?

I can only imagine Millie’s most urban adventure pre the Professor was venturing to Topshop Oxford Street on the underground. But their relationship MUST be true love. It simply must be real. Because Pro G dropped Millie off at the pajama party on screen. Case closed.


Oh, and if that goes wrong, you can meet potential boyfriend /girlfriends anywhere. ANYWHERE.

I know this because Jamie met Kimberley via the Church. The hottest location since The Box opened (not a euphemism).

And yes, Kimberley is good stock and must be holy because she’s got that whole ‘I only wear white clothes thus I’m like totally virginal’ shit going down and YEAH I studied Media A-Level so get your hands off my semiotics.

Did you know you can also pick up women at classical music concerts? Oh, and when you’ve pulled, you naturellement dick off the cinema or local pub (so central London) to take your date to a roller disco.

I know this too cause ALL THE ABOVE happened on Made in Chelsea. And it’s all still available – for dating advice, bar mitvahs and funerals on 4 oD forever and ever, amen. Don’t mention it.

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