Greetings from your resident X Factor X-pert! (See what I did there?)
I don’t know about you, but if you’re au fait with what’s been going down with Barlow, Walsh, Nicole Shit-singer, Tulisa and Derm this weekend, then you may be experiencing some of the same thoughts as me. These thoughts generally revolve around the following theme:
How ON EARTH are Ronseal Wanker (you know, the Liverpudlian one) and Spraggan still in the competition when two genuinely good singers aren’t?
I know, I know. I’m very aware that I’m starting to sound like a Daily Mail columnist, and let’s be honest – none of us really give a shit.
So instead of moaning about the injustice of a Saturday night ITV talent show, I’ll just give you the rundown of what happened this weekend (on the show, not, y’know, in general) instead…
Melanie said goodbye
Fun X Factor trivia for you: Melanie is the first X Factor contestant ever to lose her place on the show despite performing in what is affectionately referred to as the ‘pimp slot’, aka the final slot of the night (oo-er missus. Is it only me who finds that sentence mildly dirty? Anyway…).
I would imagine the fact that the pimp slot didn’t work it’s usual magic for poor old screamin’ Melanie is this new-fangled vote from the beginning of the show business, combined with the fact the stylist made her look like a clown on stilts, and also that she strained her voice far too much for my poor TV speaker’s liking.
Mostly, though, it’s probably because Melanie isn’t 16-24 years old and/or has a penis or a dying relative/insert sob story here. Because generally, this is what X Factor voters look for. No, really.
Fare thee well Melanie… although you’ll probably be forgotten by week five.
Gotye is shaking in his boots
Yes, he of the musical genius that features a ‘sample’ of Bah Bah Black Sheep is probably SHITTING HIMSELF because the X Factor contestants performed SUCH AN AMAZING COVER of his song ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’ on Sunday night.
It was auto-tuned and pre-recorded (they were blates miming), and yet it was still the worst thing I ever heard, apart from every time the Liverpudlian Ronseal Wanker opens his mouth. Even just to speak. It makes me vomit in my mouth.
Taylor Swift is nuts, and Rebecca Ferguson needs a new stylist
We had two ‘world-class’ guest performers this week; the frenetic (and tall) Taylor Swift doing her pop-country hybrid thang with the talky bit in the middle, and the very talented (no, really) Rebecca Ferguson performed her new song, too. I was too distracted by Rebecca’s AWFUL GOLD CATSUIT to tell you what the song sounded like, or what it was about.
I’m all for junk in the trunk Bex, but probably best to lay off the lamé. You don’t need those Cheryl Cole-style gimmicks love – you can actually sing!
Rylan continues to be kind of amazing
Of course I had to sneak in a line or two about Rylan. I do sort of love him, I really do. I loved his Karl Lagerfelds, and his weird panda girls (tribute to Formichetti was it, Brian Friedman?) I don’t really get that ‘Gangnam Style’ song (because I’m old) but I loved his Gary Barlow Take That fake-out at the beginning, just for the LOLs.
If you did miss Rylan’s performance, you’re probably thinking based on those past few sentences that I’m off my head on vodka right now. Actually, it’s just water (promise), and this is the proof:
For the next three days or so, if anyone so much as gives me a disapproving look, I’m going to tell them that I’m doing it Rylan style. I’ll probably get a smack in the face, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Next week’s theme…
… is ‘Club Classics’.
I sort of feel Rylan has this one nailed (as was evident in his Pump the Jam/Groove is in the Heart references). But what will Spraggan sing? No doubt it will be a jaunty reinterpretation, and she’ll be wearing a bobble hat and some really bad foundation. Even though my predictions for last week sucked, I’m still going to throw out a few for the next live show…
- Gary’s going to lose yet another contestant (I pray TO LUCIFER that it’s Ronseal Wanker, but it will probably be shit-but-not-as-annoying Kye)
- Someone will sing ‘We Found Love’ (Spraggan interpretation, anyone?)
- Louis Walsh will tell a contestant that they remind him of a young Gary Glitter/Jimmy Saville/Pete Townsend … delete as (in)appropriate. AND THE DAILY MAIL WILL BE UP IN ARMS!
- And, of course, I’ll be here to take the piss out of it all.
See ya next week!