Suarez mid air Merseyside Derby

Smack my pitch up // The Merseyside Derby: ducking and diving

Welcome to the all-new sexy football bit.

So yesterday was Merseyside Derby day at the toffee palace of Goodison Park – and as a Liverpool fan I was hoping that I’d be writing a  smug-laden report, while smearing my face Commando style with the blood of an Everton supporter and singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ in Latin to celebrate a great victory in battle, as is our custom.

For a short time during the first half it seemed I’d be doing just that, but then Everton rudely went and equalised. That’s them off my Christmas card list. (Not really, still love you, my scouse brethren)

merseyside derby

The entire match was enjoyable, but I’ll be focusing mainly on the first half here, as that’s when all the interesting incidents took place.

You know how managers can be; they’re like a pack of bitchy old women making snide comments about each other and about the players they can only dream of signing.

David Moyes was probably using a crowbar to lever his foot out of his mouth after making some of the following comments, that he freely admitted were directed towards Luis Suarez, on Friday:

Players should stay on their feet. I think if you banned players, it wouldn’t take long before you cut it (diving) out.

You can imagine then, the unbridled joy as Everton Captain Phillip Neville was yellow carded in the last 3 minutes of the first half. For diving. Oopsie!

Neville fell to the floor late, thinking Daniel Agger was about to drop him. I hear Phil got a right telling off at half time and vowed never to be so damn naughty again, he was sent to bed without any supper, and David Moyes has taken his Playstation off him. I’ll bet.

Prior to this glorious moment, Suarez himself had made a point of humiliating Moyes, by diving spectacularly in front of the Everton bench as part of his goal celebrations. Moyes, as you can imagine, was less than impressed.

Suarez mid air Merseyside Derby

All this pettiness aside, it really was a fantastic match. When you consider the scoreline was 2-2 before we’d even hit the 40th minute, hearts were most definitely thumping in both red and blue gobs all over the country.

Slight controversy in the dying minutes of second half injury time, when Suarez scored what would have been his hat-trick goal, only to be declared offside by the line bastard.

This decision has been widely criticised in the sports press as an incorrect one – BECAUSE IT WAS, as was a goal in the Manchester United/Chelsea match that followed the Derby.

So… referees – necessary? Or just taking precious jobs that a poor unemployed robot could do much, much better with the benefit of HD eyesight? Answers on a postcard.

I think I’ve pointed out the most interesting bits, that’s my only intention here really. Once the important stuff like ‘who scored and how many’ is out of the way, I plan to be your go-to gal if there’s a streaker, or a fight, or an on-pitch love affair. The real MEAT of football.

As for Neville and Suarez, well they were last seen with the Pet Shop Boys running down underground to a dive bar, in a West End town. I sincerely apologise.

Everton 2 (Osman, 22 – Naismith, 35) – Liverpool 2 (Suarez, 14, 20)


Football related silliness

This week: Some of the greatest names in football history, used to write a porn scene.


She walked into the changing room, and there he was. She loved him like this, post-match. His muscular thighs glistening with sweat.

He smiled. ‘I was imagining you last night, I got so turned on thinking of your Muff, and I started Wanklyn so hard…I almost pulled my Dicov‘.

A small gasp caught in her throat as he walked towards her. ‘Were you thinking of me? Of that last night together when you pushed me up against the radiator? I got a Bernt Haas, but it was worth it.’

She ran her hand through her hair and bit her lip. ‘Of course I think of that night. You told me you were an Assman, but I’ve never seen anyone so interested in my Quim.’

He moaned and pulled her to him. ‘I guarantee that before this night is through, my Pinas and your Kuntz will be intimate friends once more. And by the time the sun rises, you’ll have every drop of De Kock Seaman.’

Once again, I sincerely apologise.

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