Now, I haven’t paid much attention to the finer details of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations, but none of my friends are DJing at the palace this weekend.
To prevent one of the royals hooking up their iPods which is probably full of James Blunt, I thought I better put together a bit of a bad ass Diamond Jubilee play list.
You know, so the after-party is less lame and the Queen can kick of her M&S foot glove shoes and wave her pashmina around in the air like she just don’t care.
1. Run DMC // Queens Day
OK, I’m going to throw it out there. I’m pretty pissed off with this Jubilee. Know why? I have an end-of-May birthday that always has a much needed recovery Bank Holiday weekend. This year the Queen has stolen it and hooked it on to hers.
Unlike her I only get one Birthday a year and no jubilees. She’s always having Birthdays and Jubilees, seems everyday is Queen’s Day.
2. NAS // If I Ruled the World
Well, she rules some of it. If I ruled, I would ban people carrying wheelie suitcases down Oxford Street and make everyone settle everything with dance offs. EVERYTHING.
3. Snoop Dogg // Gin and Juice
It’s always gin o’clock at the palace. Apparently at functions the Queen is served a gin (from a fresh bottle) necks it then holds another one for the rest of an event. Not sure which gin but it’s got to be Beefeater. Juice? Um Bongo?
4. The Fresh Prince & Jazzy Jeff // Parents just don’t Understand
The Queen’s parents are Colin Firth and Helena Bonham Carter and her uncle is Mike offa Neighbours. None of the princes are a Fresh Prince. If anything, they are a bunch of Carltons.
5. Naughty by Nature // Holiday
Royal Wedding, Easter, Jubilee. Binge drinking Britain would like to thank its sponsors ‘Alka Seltza’ for yet another four day weekend.
6. Hilltop Hoods // Clown Prince
I mean have you heard some of the gaffs Prince Philip has come up with? In other news; every time I hear ‘Duke of Edinburgh’ I remember the lie on my CV.
7. Queen Pen // Party ain’t a Party
I bet the Queen thinks a party aint a party without a bit of conga or limbo. She’ll be on it, make up smudged, phone stolen, maccarena-ing till the early hours.
8. Ice Cube // Jackin’ for Beats
You might have noticed Union Jack bunting EVERYWHERE.
After the Royal Wedding the Queen was sick of cupcakes so she invented bunting. Apparently the idea came to her at 10:10 one day. She looked at Big Ben and thought it looked like he was smiling so she declared it ‘Happy O’ Clock’ and demanded strings of smiles be hung everywhere. The name bunting is probably rhyming cockney slang for something filthy.
9. Poor Righteous Teachers // The Nation’s Anthem
My name is Jude so I know how it feels to have people sing a song about you. I’m sure the Lolas, Rubys, Roxannes and Billy Jeans feel our pain. When ‘Hey Jude’ gets played in public like at weddings, everyone calls and nudges me expecting me to perform some kind of choreographed expressive dance solo. ONE TIME. I DID IT ONE TIME.
10. Destiny’s Child // Bootylicious
Bootylicious is a portmanteaux. That means it’s a word that is formed by merging two words together. Many people think Peter Andre invented the portmanteaux but it was in fact the Queen who invented the ‘dorgi’ after mating a corgi with a dachshund. She also invented the ‘rumbuca’ and the ‘strongwinebow’ but that’s a whole other playlist.