Working 9-5… or not // Tales from the Job Centre

Are you currently job hunting? Well pour yourself a cup of ambition and come sit next to me, let’s put t’ruddy world to rights.

There’s absolutely nothing available is there? Not that it matters – you can apply for anything and everything… I have applied via post for 40 different positions (careful now) in the last 2 months, got only one response with thankfully, the offer of an interview. NO response from the dozens of online applications. Ignorant technological bastards.
40 postal ones though. 40 for just one reply. That’s a lot of CVs printed out. My CV fits on 2 sheets of A4, so that’s 80 sheets of paper, add in the cover letter, and it works out to 120 sheets of paper, plus 40 envelopes, wasted. I imagine there are a number of homeless birds missing the tree that became those CVs, and for someone like me who tries to be eco, that’s quite an annoying thought. I’d best not even go into the waste of my printer ink as I’m also something of a tight fisted swine.

Back in the good old days (about ten years ago) when jobs were seemingly plentiful, I remember you would always receive an acknowledgement just for applying, never mind being called for an interview or being told that on this occasion, you’d been unsuccessful.
Not so anymore.
But it doesn’t even matter that I know the reason for this:

What not hearing anything actually means

There are so many people out of work currently (thanks Dave and Nick!), that any jobs available are saturated with people applying for them, meaning prospective employers have neither the time nor resources to reply to all applicants personally.

What your brain tells you not hearing anything means

“HAHAHA!!! You are so SHIT I can’t even go into how shit you actually are, I could WEEP for you! I can’t believe that with your limited experience and woeful qualifications you even had the cheek to apply for this job you complete LOSER!”

Yep, it’s a nightmare out there.

However, I’m not one to rest on my laurels, so I had a good hunt on the machines at the job centre yesterday. On the sofa next to the machine I was on there happened to be a delightful trio of youths who were planning how pissed they were going to get for St. Patrick’s day. One of the young men, I believe his name was ‘Jemmo’ had been to see an advisor and had been offered a job with an immediate start. This seemed to perplex him somewhat.
“Nah, but I’d have to be there for 8 like, 8 in the fuckin mornin”
“Fuckin ‘ell! Dat’s shit like!” commented his friend, whose name sounded for all the world like ‘Gravy’.
Jemmo then went on to say that he was going to turn it down, as I gather it would interfere with his busy social life. His girlfriend, who’s moniker I didn’t catch, but who I’d nicknamed ‘Nasal McTitjob’ for the purposes of writing this later, checked her platinum split ends fastidiously and agreed with him in a voice you could grate cheese on. Really, really hard cheese.

This little scene pissed me off greatly. Here he was, being offered a job THERE AND THEN, but was refusing it because it would probably mean he’d have to cut down on the amount of drinking he so obviously enjoyed doing. There are people out there, utterly desperate people who are struggling to make ends meet and they would do anything for an opportunity like that you lazy little gobshite.
I guarantee that if Jemmo’s parents can read, they will read the Daily Mail. They’ll be furious at all the damn immigrants ‘coming over ‘ere’ and stealing jobs from under little Jemmo’s nose. “British jobs for British werkers!” they’ll shout.

Now here’s the science bit. It sometimes appears to me that the British are not being entirely honest when it comes to how prepared they are to do ‘anything’ so long as it meant they’re no longer relying on the State. I’m not basing this solely on poor Jemmo either, I’ve both read and heard numerous tales about Brits not taking jobs because they feel it’s ‘beneath’ them or the pay is too low. This is from actual newspapers mind, not histrionic rags or propaganda websites.

So then we have the thorny subject of immigrants. They will happily and diligently do these jobs that the picky Brits won’t take, and what thanks do they get for it? None.
They’re criticised, demonised, and made to feel like outsiders, but who would do those jobs if they weren’t here? I say it’s time for people to put up or shut up. If you don’t like it, apply for the job yourself. Sitting on your arse bitching about these things changes nothing, get up and do something useful.

Personally speaking, I’d do anything. Can you hear me employers? ANYTHING. Short of writing that on my CV next to a picture of myself in a kinky maids uniform busily polishing His Lordship’s priceless hunting bugle, I don’t know what else I can do. Other than offer sexual favours that is, but I don’t think those are allowed anymore are they? No, I bet health and safety have got rules against that now as well.
Bloody ruin all the fun of employment why don’t you.

– Chrissy

  • Comments

  • avatar

    As ever Chrissy, you have made me do a ‘LOL, repeatedly. I’d hire you in an instant 😉

    • avatar

      Well…you sorta kinda did already…CRAZY WOMAN!!

      • avatar

        Yeah, well. You’ll be wanting payment next… 😉

        • avatar

          Cheap date, me. Bag of chips and a Beano is my going rate.

  • avatar
    John McDonagh

    I could be watching TV but I’m not – I’m reading your articles. Damn you – why d’you have to be so good ?
    Once again – a fine job (excuse the pun.)
    It took me 4 minutes to get past the ‘Nasal McTitjob’ bit because it’s difficult to read when you’re rocking from side-to-side with laughter.

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